Your Country Needs You (BBC One)

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Quest to Save Britain's Eurovision Humiliation

Jan 6, 2009

After whittling down the best the UK has to offer (or the best of the bunch that turned up) it's up to the public to decide who will represent them for Eurovision 2009.

Great Britain has fallen out with the Eurovision Song Contest. Once upon a time it sent out winners like Cliff Richard, Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves. But since the turn of the millennium it has yet to come even close to winning and is more likely seen battling for last place.

Now self-described musical composing genius Andrew Lloyd Webber has been selected to nurture a new talented act and write a song that will make the UK proud. Or at least that’s what the BBC say. After auditioning young talent, he and his team have decided on the all-important six final acts to face the pubic vote in a format that is nothing like X Factor et al. Oh no.

“The key is to get back to concentrating on song itself,” says Sir Andrew

Over the next four live shows, hosted by Graham Norton (a man so unfunny he even threatened to ruin the brilliant Father Ted), one act will eventually be chosen to come last place in May.

Commenting on the chore ahead His Royal Highness Lord Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber said: "Our chosen acts face a terrific challenge if they make it to Moscow. Over the years, it's quite surprising what has come through. But I believe the key is to get back to concentrating on song itself and not being formulaic. I think that's the right way to approach Eurovision."

Let’s Meet Our Contestants

Charlotte – A 17-year-old Essex girl who will no doubt be constantly be reminded of her age by the host and anyone else who talks to her.

Damien - Where do people like him come from? He is described as a London-based pianist/musician/songwriter but he looks like he’s come from the same factory that makes all those boy band types with their impossibly perfect hair and chiselled features.

Emperors of Soul – One of two groups in the competition. Five guys who have at least some experience in pop music or theatre performance and specialise in er...what genre of music again?

Francine and Nicola – The second group are identical twins from South Yorkshire. Apparently they work in the same pub and supermarket, go to the same university, study the same degree course and both started going out with their current boyfriends on the same day. Oh the hilarity!

Jade - A soul-singer from London who could almost be a carbon copy of Leona Lewis and to be in a girl group called Trinity Stone whose ambitions were to make it as a UK version of Destiny's Child, but were even worse.

Mark – A Welsh lad who is currently playing Prince Charming in panto. He has also appeared in the West End productions of Spamalot and Wicked, and has also played Troy in High School Musical.

But really though, does all this palaver matter? Besides providing another talent platform for the BBC, it’s never going to achieve the aim. The best song writer in the world can sit down with the greatest group ever assembled and it still won’t be enough to win this farcical mess. Eurovision has become increasingly political with all friends voting for each other and the Eastern Bloc countries backing Russia. And with the British foreign policy at the moment (eg follow the US everywhere) no wonder it’s always near the bottom.

Saying that though Britain can hardly blame it all on politics given the ridiculous acts it has chosen in recent years. This is a nation that’s produced talent such as Radiohead, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Pink Floyd etc and yet it more often than not sends some complete joke of a performer as a shining example of its musical culture.

That means in recent years the likes of the extremely awful and out-of-tune Jemini (who came last with an astonishing “nul points”), Daz Simpson (...exactly and it’s best you don’t remember him) and campy Steps rip-off act Scooch have flown the flag for Blighty.

Andrew Lloyd Webber Laughing all the way to the Bank

Whether or not he will succeed – and the smart money would be on this experiment failing miserably – it’s Mr Lloyd Webber who will be laughing all the way to the bank while those who have bothered to watch the Eurovision contest this year will wonder why they just wasted the last three hours watching some Lithuanians and Italians singing and dancing badly. Well serves you right.

Your Country Needs You will start on BBC One at 6.45pm on Saturday, January 10.

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