In these days of failing comprehensives, fewer and fewer grammar school places and popular schools hopelessly oversubscribed, many parents are determined to do whatever is necessary to get their child into the school of their choice. Simply moving into the catchment area is no longer enough; pupils who live literally yards from the best schools are still not guaranteed admission.
So how far will the pushiest parents go to ensure their little angels grab a coveted place at a top-notch school? According to Nuts In May, quite far indeed. The show opens with the arrival of the Chaplin family at an ultra-exclusive gated community (professionals only please, preferably with a BMW, Mercedes, or the ubiquitous 4 x 4) in Clapham. Dad David (Darren Boyd) is a recently promoted corporate lawyer, Mum Alice (Shirley Henderson) is the loyal stay-at-home wife, and they have two sons and a daughter.
What, No Fencing Lessons?
Of course the Chaplins have always tried to do the best for their children, hence the move to a “better” neighbourhood. But one quick visit with their new neighbours leaves them positively reeling. How could they not have played the children classical music since birth (or, even better, before)? What four-year-old DOESN’t know the difference between a herbivore and a carnivore? And no tutor to help daughter Molly pass her entrance exam to THE best private girls’ school in London? It simply won’t do!
Naturally it’s the mothers who do most of the pushing, with the fathers reduced to little more than helpful spectators. They are simply there to provide the cash to ensure the requisite lifestyle, with the exception of uber-Sloane Ffion’s husband Philp, a splendidly acid cameo from Tony Gardner. Aside from being probably the last dad in London who still openly smokes, he refuses to take the whole competitive parenting game seriously. When asked by David if their daughter Bronwen still enjoyed listening to Shostakovich, he replies gleefully “No, she likes Wheels on the Bus”.
If only there had been more moments like that, then Nuts In May might have worked as a smart satire on the lengths to which parents will go to help their kids succeed. Instead, the programme is loaded with identikit horror mothers and children who are either charmless brats or parrots who simply repeat the clever things mummy and daddy taught them to say.
Shirley Does Britney
And have the Chaplins the guts to stand up and say no to the sheen lunacy of it all? Of course not – when it becomes clear that Molly won’t be able to pass the exam, Alice decides to sit it for her. Cue pathetic attempts to dress like a trendy 11-year-old, which naturally don’t work, so David has the somewhat tasteless idea of going down the “ugly” route. “Nobody will give you a second glance, you’ll be such a freak”. This gives Henderson full rein to reprise her role as bathroom ghoul Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, complete with annoying helium voice.
Sadly Nuts In May ends up being just another clichéd, stereotype-filled sneer at the amusing foibles of the middle classes. Why is Ffion (Elizabeth Berrington) such an utter control freak? A quick glimpse at her past might help explain, and possibly make her appear to have at least one redeeming feature, but there's no time for that when there are points to be scored. Organic lollipops, homeopathic homework helpers, running spikes for children under five – real sidesplitting stuff. Neither comedy nor drama, but especially NOT comedy.
